I recently ran across an email that I sent to my sister-in-law a few days after my miscarriage. She had asked if I minded telling about what happened. I am so glad she did because people were afraid to ask me how I was, what I was feeling and how I was dealing with it. So it helped me to write about it. While I won't copy word for word what I wrote in the letter, I will use it to tell you about what I went through. It was scary, sad and very hard.
For starters, I had always wanted a large family. It was just my brother and I growing up. We both agreed at a young age that we wanted large families ourselves. He ended up with 5 bio children and 2 step-children. I ended up with 4 bio, 2 adopted and many, many foster kiddos!
I think I knew from the first appointment that something was different or wrong. At the first appointment they always do an ultrasound after the main check-up. I was supposed to be at least 8 weeks along at that point. My doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, but he said that we could just be wrong on our dates and that the baby wasn't big enough yet. At that first appointment, I thought I saw two sacs in the ultrasound but no one said anything and I was so upset about there not being a heart beat that I didn't ask.
My Doctor had me go in for blood tests twice that week to see what my hormone level was and if it was continuing to go up. They called me 5 days later and said that my levels were nice and high, but one of the levels was going down a little. Since they weren't sure why, they wanted another ultrasound.
I think I knew in my heart of hearts that something was wrong. I was already spending many a sleepless night in prayer and crying out to the Lord to help me with whatever it was.
Three days later, they did another ultrasound and TWINS! I knew it! I knew there were two! But still...no heartbeats. My doctor said at this point, that we needed to let them grow. Possibility was that they were just too small. Or that they were already gone. As soon as we found out there were two, we started looking at names. The two that really stuck were Chloe and Emma. They just stuck for some reason. And everyone around us was calling them girls as well.
We spent a few days being deliriously happy about having twins! Freaking out about having to move at an accelerated pace and of course, still worried about what was going on.
A week later, I started having some signs that things weren't good. I called the nurse about what I was seeing and she told me things were probably okay.
I told Peter that if I would have a miscarriage, I would grieve and move on. But the doctors kept saying things were okay. So I felt torn. I didn't know whether to be happy I was pregnant or sad that I might lose them. It was such a hard and emotional place to be. The Lord heard some long nights of just sobbing and crying from me. I couldn't even pray cause I didn't even know what to pray. I hurt physically with the pain of the UNKNOWN.
On Friday, I started spotting and by Saturday I was bleeding. The doctor put me on bedrest but by time I talked to him Saturday night, he said that I needed to come to terms with the fact that I was miscarrying. I got off the phone and just sat there staring at the wall. I repeated mechanically to Peter what the doctor said and then slowly made my way upstairs to our bedroom.
I climbed in bed and the dam of tears I had been holding back let loose and I spent an hour screaming and crying into my pillow. I felt a physical pain in my heart that wouldn't go away. My babies were leaving me. I had hardly had a chance to say hello and now I was saying goodbye. It felt like my hopes, dreams and excitement were killed with one phone call.
In the middle of all the pain, pain so deep that it literally felt as though it could rip my heart out, I remember crying out to God and saying, "I just need you to hold me! I need to FEEL your arms around me. PLEASE GOD! PLEASE!"
What happened next, I don't know if I can properly explain...
But there in my bed, my place of heartache and pain, I felt two arms pick me up and cradle me snuggly. It was like when I was a young child being held my one of my parents. I felt such peace wash over me again and again as I was held in those Arms Of Love.
I went downstairs after awhile and Peter and I talked a bit. We knew that it was far from over. I still had all the physical things to go through to finish the miscarriage.
On Monday, my sweet mother-in-law took me to the doctor. There he did another ultrasound and before he said a word, I could see for myself that the two little hopeful sacs were no longer attached to my womb. I won't give details, but I will say it was a very painful process to have the doctor finish what my body had started.
During that time in the doctor's office, the Lord gave me such a calm. He quieted my spirit as only He can and He was there with me. Letting me know that it was okay. That the twins were okay and that I was GOING to be okay.
I feel such joy, even now, 18 years later, that I was able to know them. Even for just a moment in time. I KNOW that I will see them in Heaven. And I know they already have a better life than I do, since they are already with the King!
There were some hard moments emotionally along the way of healing. We knew Jordyn didn't quite understand as she was only 18 months old. For some time, she would point at my stomach and say, BABY!"
We weren't really sure how to help McKenzie understand. She was older and even remembered when I had been pregnant with Jordyn. She understood that there had been two babies. I think in her own way, she knew. She had been staying with my sister-in-law when I started miscarrying and kept asking to come home. Her aunt would tell her I was really sick, which might have scared her. Finally, despite my wishes, my sis in law told her something. When McKenzie came home, I explained that the babies were sick and went to heaven to be with Jesus and that we would see them when we go to heaven. She responded with, "And Jesus will make them all better!" Here I was struggling and the Lord used my 3-year old daughter to confirm what I knew to be true! Later she told me that Chloe and Emma were playing in the clouds.
If you know us, you know that we went on to have two more girls about 15 months apart, Sierra and Shelby. We have also adopted two wonderful boys. What you might not know is that I had two other miscarriages later years. We didn't talk to many people about it.
I will always have this little space in my heart for my 4 babies in Heaven. I think my arms will always ache to hold them...
